weblog
i talk in here and am best read on a computer :)
23/06/2025, 8:50
i forget i can put pictures in here lol. here's some fun slaps put up recently, the artists i know are onnie o'leary, damp land, bonk, and knife voices, and yours truly :3
22/06/2025, 7:15pm
oh and im also really unhappy about having to fight for my life in my fucking performance review at work (preparing to defend my lack of desire to go to university, or to do any sort of training, or to climb the corporate ladder at all). leave me alone man.
22/06/2025, 7:14pm
got a prescription for a new antihistamineeee, so im hoping it'll nuke whatever allergic reaction im having to my own body better than an H1 will. and then simultaneously i think ill try and wean myself off sertraline (i technically took my last miniscule dose of it yesterday so ill try skip it tonight and see what happens). and not to play doctor or anything (silly woman) but i think anti histamines should be first port of call for PMDD treatment... like sure, was it potentially triggered by abuse? yeah maybe, but its still responding as if it were some sort of mast cell activation disorder at the same time. and because its not purely psychological, but literally like relating to the way my brain reacts to my own hormones, i cant mind over matter my way out of it. and sertraline did work almost immediately when i started taking it, so i do think it is a 'true' PMDD, unlike what the mods of the subreddit would like to have you believe...
coming out of that place after even just suggesting that people should try antihistamines, banned, bruised, and bloody. me when i refuse to acknowledge that a lot of womens health issues are so interconnected, because surely we're just insane and hysterical, no it cant be anything more than that like a whole of body allergic reaction for half of every single month of your entire adult life. that would be weird and unheard of. lol.
but yeah i shoudlve trusted my instinct post internal bleeding saga when i really was wanting to try an H2 for my GI isuses. its all connected isnt it buddy.
10/06/2025, 6:19pm
anyway. still feeling incredibly apocalyptic, like theres a guy standing behind me with a gun right against the base of my skull all the time. my therapist is still not responding to my texts which is a little annoying. im not dissociated enough to cut myself on the daily anymore, so now im just relying on getting drunk enough to instead. it feels like there is so little use in being such an angry person in the little bubble i am living in, so im just practicing my gallows humour instead (hint: people with young children do not like to talk about brain plastic or nuclear holocaust, which is a shame, because youre gonna be livin' it baby!)
10/06/2025, 5:55pm
there is something so decidedly fascinating about having been raised in a liberal party voting household, slowly infected by united states conservatism and coming out the other side absolutely covered in blood. and especially lately ive been feeling like a taut rubberband, released with enough kinetic energy to strike my mother right in the eye, rendering her blind, if im so lucky; if the rich and the right hadnt done such a good job at that for me already.
if youre from the uk, youll likely know about 'the spectator.' i belive they also have a us branch, but i dont particularly care enough to check. their australian articles throttle me back to my 2016 politigram youth, the golden age of the libtard cringe compilation, of the blue-haired feminazi and of communism is when the government does more stuff!!11!!!1!
i thank god for the women (barely teenagers at the time...) around me who did not think me evil for being so genuinely and utterly brainwashed, and who had the good grace to give empathy to that idiot girl who was so angry at the world and so angry at myself that i so desperately searched for, and clung to, anything that would tell me i was right. that everyone else was the fool. that i knew best.
in feeding those articles into archive.is i found that angry girl again, angry that these people were stuck in their own mirror palace of such genuinely mind boggling stupidity. angry that they could not see the world as i saw it - the pseudo-intellectual waffle, the birthplace of the humble 'virtue signal,' the balls to the wall genuine retardation of thought. do you not dire of chewing this same cud, regurgitated directly onto your tongue by mister marshall to make you do nothing much else but hate?
its genuinely like watching a dementia patient walk in circles over and over again. tired talking points of the true blue fag and dyke hating the diabolical tranny, the dire lack of carbon dioxide in the air which is starving our forests to death! greta thunberg! greta thunberg! idiot girl! sit back and let the men do the talking! they scold.
i wake up every day in my mother's home and know how what she reads tells her that only now, am i political, when before i had been purely rational.
i see now that she reads of calhoun's behavioural sink and sees me as the deviant rat who engages in homosexuality and (perhaps in secret, as i smoke and drink terribly much) cannibalism and that i do these things and that i am the way that i am because of the great conspiracy of a walkable city, or cultural marxism or what have you. 'aha!' i cry, tipping my chin up and grinning, 'i did not even need to get my degree in underwater basket weaving from a communist university to learn to empathise with my fellow woman!'
i am educated in matters of the heart, which is what i have come to conclude is sorely missing from those still stuck in the hedge maze of the fascist right. a juvenile conclusion, but mine nonetheless. it is entirely possible to become clever where one was once stupid (i have done it, it is not too terribly difficult) so long as humility is not lost on her. love thy neighbour, fag, dyke and tranny, and let them teach you about the real world beyond your angry, frightened pasture. it is not worth trying to teach parents like ours kindness, they refuse it like children do cod liver oil.
01/06/2025, 4:40pm
pinch and a punch for the first day of the month (no returns :P)
just ordered some more stickerssss. its so rewarding to put my girls all over the place and to think that they annoy people enough that they're motivated to buff them lol. why move here - basically the graffiti capital of sydney - if you're going to get wound up over streetart. ive taken it upon me to try and bring it further into the new apartment development area... unhappy about the fact that things are becoming so boring to look at...
18/05/2025, 2:34pm
its really cold today and i woke up really late so i feel bad for wasting the day :/ dont feel good tbhhhh. and its like not imposter syndrome because that implies some level of un-truth in my own internal observations (impossible, i have to live in my head, im prettyyyy good at knowing whats going on with her) anyway yeah i hate myself and everything i make lolll. its not pmdd either because ive basically fixed thatwith crazy amounts of alcohol and whatever but oh boy beers arent fixing the self loathinggggggggg. and its so much effort to pretend like i like myself its easier just to play into it like 'haha yeah im ugly and stupid lol look at me big stupid ugly idiot over here haha go on say something clever, i wont understand it because im stupid, and then you can laugh at me to make yourselves feel better!'
anyway again i have to stop myself from downloading hinge because i always do for the validation but i hate all of those people. oh boy did anyone else get called ugly as a kid one too many times and now when people are apparently attracted to you it makes you want to knee them in the gut because how come now lol you dont like me get away from me. im going to go and buy a beer byeeee i wish i was not a girl.
actually additionally i keep thinking about when my therapist would try and get me to feel empathetic towards child me and i would just have to keep telling her 'i dont like her. i wish she wasnt so stupid. i wish she wasnt so useless and weird and strange,' and she just like would not know how to respond to that. like okay would you rather i lie????? ohhh i loveeeee herrrrrr i missss herrrrrrr girl if i could go back in time and strangle her with my bare hands i would the useless cunt did absolutely nothing thats benefited me in any way.
11/05/2025, 12:40pm
anyway dont look at that, look at this!!! up here!!!!! look here!!!!!!! today im drinking my new sheng cake, its farmerleaf's 2021 autumn jingmai. its a bit old in terms of sheng for me, i prefer them still super fresh and acidic, but this is certainly not a bad tea. super jammy mouthfeel and a round sort of floral bitterness. sweet, but i find that contrast easier to pick out and more enjoyable with a younger spring sheng. this does indeed taste like autumn.
11/05/2025, 12:28pm
every single day i get closer to thinking im just a lesbian but i also have this condition called internalised misogyny which means i still crave validation from men even though i have only found one (1) attractive in the past literally like 15 years - and to me that doesnt count because its a weird power imbalance situation going on and i think im subconsciously just grappling for financial security because everyone i know is pissing into the wind, and i also know nothing about him! i think its best it stays that way lest he piss me off! anyway. imagine getting to call a lady your wife. hoo boy. imagine brushing your wife's hair. hoooo boyyy. nsfw. graphic and lewd. and im the boy and she's the girl btw because she's prettier than me, and she can hit me with her car if i annoy her.
10/05/2025, 1:43pm
scratch my bellayyyyy. labrador came up to me on the street and fell over and i had to oblige.
09/05/2025, 4:00pm
and girl, if the humanities are dead then call me a necrophile the way im elbow deep in that fucking thing
09/05/2025, 4:00pm
my manager let me come home from work early today because we submitted a tender :). i did a loop of my suburb and checked on some of my slaps and found several scratched off lol. i get them printed locally on eggshell 'paper,' which for the layperson means that because the glue is stronger than the sticker itself, any traditional attempts at peeling it back off a surface lead to frustrating (for the buffer) chipping of the offending graffiti.
i put up stickers saying a variety of milquetoast personal activism things like 'fuck ai, draw,' 'consumerism kills,' and a funny one about plastic in our organs that reminds me of dr bronners soap bottle labels (too much writing, not enough space... like a tiny anti plastic manifesto). is it malicious to put those ones around schools? because i do. i cant imagine bringing a child onto this floating garbage patch of a planet. it is incredibly unfair to them, and to the earth.
anyway! the anti ai ones get buffed the most, i should keep a tally, which is unsurprising; i suspect a fair few people who live in sydney work in tech and have sensitive egos about their inability to make art (written, drawn, or otherwise). hell hath no fury like a techbro scorned. but what i find more interesting is when my anti consumerism stickers are 'destroyed.' maybe im so pig-headed and tunnel vision blind that i just havent heard of this new, beneficial consumerism which actually saves lives, and brings net good to the world and maybe pets puppies and kittens on its way into our hearts. stop buying crap. please. stop buying crap. stop using chatgpt. stop using plastic as much as you can.
i have not known an earth without so much crap and i will take it out on everyone because i live here as much as you do too and i love her more than all the money in the world. i wish hopelessly for anthropocene strata free of bakelite.
08/05/2025, 5:45pm
guess who woke up late for work again. so busy today. i cant believe ive been doing this for like three years, kind of miserable to think about, but i try to enjoy the company of the people more than anything; theyre probably all tired and unhappy too. they dont all hate me either which is nice, but i sitll cant shake that weird pervasive 'everyone thinks im weird and stupid' feeling that has clung to me like a bad smell since like primary school. but thats my own fault for not working on my self esteem ever. im kind of cool, idk. i just still dont know how to talk to people properly.
i keep getting tradcath instagram reels too which are really weird and sad - its so obvioius that these people are hurt and want to blame others for 'tempting' them into making bad choices. it really upsets me when people dont take responsibility for their own actions or when they bnehave like their faculties are not entirely their own to conrtol. not enough love in these people, i wish they would quit being so pessimistic and antagonistic - actively seeking to destroy community because they want everyone to be sinless and impossibly perfect. antithetical to being human and to being christian. but what do i know lol im just some fake protestant or whatever. i might work on nutting out a 'now' page now (lol), i dont know what id put on there really though because ive basically been in limbo for the past five years. doing: my job. reading: contract documents. eating: the same lunch i always have. playing: eso and/or bocw. okay bye :) radically love thy neighbour.
oh and i had more mohei today and im getting down to the dregs of the cake and its really making me sad but im excited to bust open my new cake of autumn lao man e i hope its yum (i bought it because it was the cheapest and i need to stop buying so much tea)
07/05/2025, 8:20pm
today i woke up late for work, forgot to bring my mug with me, and had to use a work mug... but on the bright side i found a tea 'berry' (more a seed pod, botanically, i think?). I was drinking farmerleaf's spring 2024 mohei which was grown on a 40 year old reclaimed tea garden! its my favourite puer and im sad its sold out :( im also unhappy because work is so busy i keep wanting to snap at my manager even though 90% of things that go wrong are my fault. anywho, i am going to go and make myself dinner :)
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