JUICE

05/08/2025, 8:27pm

much ado about nothing, chat.

ive been having a lot of thoughts lately that are probably better served by an actual essay rather than just like the regurgitations of the goo sloshing around in my skull uhmm.

point 1: re-downloading hinge has again reminded me that i do not really truly believe that i am attracted to men aesthetically, or really anyone emotionally. if i were to marry, it would be to a woman; which is as much thought as i could really be arsed putting into it. i find most men repulsive if anything, doubly so when im sober. and i find most women far more emotionally intelligent than myself, which annoys the ever loving crap out of me. i have never felt love, not even towards my family members. i could not, in good conscience, get into a relationship with someone and pretend that i am fond of them at all - and then that i love them. i could not kiss anyone because i do not really want their bacteria in my mouth, and i do not really at all want anyone's fingers in strange places. i could not pretend that the eccentricities which the people around me seem to like about their partners wouldnt disgut me if someone i found attractive displayed the same behaviour. i think its a fair assumption to say that i genuinely do not like anyone except myself, and i dont like myself! the bar is horribly low! but i do just think that i am better than most everyone around me. i do not want to pretend to care about anyone anymore, i dont care about the stupid movies you like or the music you listen to its so genuienly fucking exhausting to be constantly teetering on the edge of collapse and grandiosity because other people are doing well and succeeding and i cannot bring myself to care becuase i am more deserving of it all yet there is no real manifestation of that entitlement. there never came that validation of my ego beyond the more shallow attention sprinkled out of dating apps and lie after lie after lie to warrant sympathy or adoration because its all just superfluous bullshit. i feel like when water leaks behind wall paint and makes a gross tumour of a bubble that swells until then skin grows so thin that it splits and vomits out all of the crud inside it; and you can smear some spackle on the wound but the floppy, deflated post-collapse-partum paint bubble belly will never be able to return to its prideful perfect shape again. i am so tired of having to perform for attention because thats the only way ill ever get it, because im repulsive otherwise - a real genuine bitch of a person to be around.

point 2: the llm company my workplace was donating ridiculous sums of money to forgot to BCC in their newsletter email, and we found out how many of our construction competitors use their services. newsflash, if youre in australia, its all of the tier 1 and 2 firms; but you didnt hear it from me (your j*hn hollands, your acc*onas, your lendl*ases, your c*bs; the ones who can afford to churn out tens of bids every month because they dont have the overhead mouths to feed. there's a reason they subcontract all of their labour, you know, its so they dont have to pay direct employees, or take care of them when they slice their fingers off on some dodgy job site). but the good news is, we're not working with them anymore. perhaps our retard board members have finally realised what a waste of money it was; the idiot who was pushing it to our department didnt even have the balls to come to the 'this is the end' meeting.

point 3: my friend did my nails :) theyre an awesome beetle wing shade of dark blue with chrome dust to match.

point 4: i am considering deleting hinge because i do not find anyone attractive, therefore, having all of these unattractive people liking me is driving me nuts. go away.

30/07/2025, 7:08pm

last night while i was writing in here my laptop carked it before i could release my spilled beans onto the masses; which im beginning to think was probably god preventing me from severely oversharing about my work on the internet. probably for the best, but it was juicy, please trust me. all is well, and the people love me, as usual...

besides that though, i dyed my hair red :) im really enjoying it too, i missed having funky hair in high school - especially green, that was my favourite. and double besides that, apologies to everyone ive agreed to trades with, i absolutely cannot find my beer stickers anymore although i am convinced i did not use them all or give them all away (drunk me might have had conflicting priorities however...) im going to get more printed and send packs out ASAP with some extra goodies from contemporaries ive been hoarding!

27/07/2025, 8:53pm

work is going to beat the crap out of me for the rest of this month and for like half of august (and apparently just the rest of the day if the rumours are to be believed...)

im so fucking tired and im really not in the mood for my manager to act like ive screwed everything up so severely that somehow she'll get in trouble or something; bearing in mind that nothing particularly 'bad' has happened, and the only reason things are a mess right now is because no one fucking communicates. it shouldnt take four weeks of a bid for management to decide if we're actually going for it, and then they shouldn't double back and change their fucking minds and not even tell me. its like they all have total disregard for how much cat herding i have to do, and because i make a point of telling people whats going on as soon as i hear of the situation, that i end up having to back to all of those people like 'ahaha actually, we are bidding for this, sorry, hahaha, im such an idiot hahaha, im such a ditz' AND ITS NOT EVEN MY FAULT I HAVE TO KEEP GOING BACK AND FORTH TEN TIMES OVER.

whatever [thumbs up emoji] tldr: i cant wait to get in trouble for no reason all of next week.

20/07/2025, 2:16pm

so tired and really not in the mood for work; i feel like im swimming upstream and i have no legs or arms lol. i havent been able to muster the motivation to draw anything but whatever, i have to stop beating myself up over that because my only real spectator is myself. im going to go and look for some more buttons and blinkies and whatever else (trying to fix how i want my images in here to display too... i dont want to crop them all to square because i feel like that neuters them too much, i want it to feel more organic in here compared to my art gallery which i want to be more structured for easy viewing...)

anywho, i bought a copy of harvest moon friends of mineral town since my repro cart of mfomt carked it (i could bust it open and replace the battery since it otherwise worked and saved fine, but i do not like the bachelors because they are ugly and annoying and all come off as literal children to me??) im just excited to finally get to marry karen :) i had such a huge crush on her from playing hmds and literally exclusively interacting with her over the telephone shop; i love her design, on par with nami tbh.

ahhhh my nostalgia for spamming that infinite money glitch... also did you know the sprite casino in the australian version of hmds only has match? there's no way to unlock the other games because the gambling themes were too on the nose for australia to let us have sprite blackjack???? for the longest time ive wondered why the other games tables were empty no matter how many sprites you rescued. its a shame because it feels super incomplete without them... i believe this also breaks your ability to collect all of the recipes because i was never able to buy any from roller? but i dont think you explicitly need any to cook any of the food in game, i havent run into any issues with that yet at least. also annoying we cant read books or watch dvds :/ dawg they neutered my video game

besides my pursuit of nami im also going to try to marry the harvest goddess to see if my version has the famed buckwheat bug! itll probably take me years to get there but oh welllll someone has to do it

and im thinking of buying megaman too but i have to figure out which one in particular my dad found a rom of for me when i was a kid; and im hoping itll be decently priced... i just want it to come with its case without costing me a kidney c'mon...

06/07/2025, 8:32pm

oh and guess who made it to bangkok! photos courtesy of onnie o'leary who was kind enough to bring nikita with her overseas. she's officially been to thailand, france, canada, the US, and japan

06/07/2025, 8:06pm

kowalski... analysis!

nvm you really dont have to think about it too hard, its misogyny, isnt it? yeah. it kind of always is. scribbling out a face is always an interesting thing to see people do, because it goes beyond the upset of seeing breasts or my stellar witty commentary. ive gone my whole life very convinced that my opinions are defaulty correct, and often assume that most, if not all, other people share my opinions on all matters. terrible case of i have too many clever friends who come to the same conclusions as me, and now im faced with the cerebral onslaught of the general public: the general public generally doesnt agree with me. the general public does not think the way i think. you lot must be miserable.

anyway defacing art, yeah, lol. the defacing itself isnt the issue, its the choice of target. we recently had a bright spark spraying swastikas on queer pubs and jewish religious buildings here, and breasts and gallows humour is what you choose to object quite physically to?

when the atom bomb disintegrates my shirt right off my back ill be sure to cover my nipples and my mouth just for you, general public.

yes i know these are on a slatted bench. if you know, you know.

01/07/2025, 8:09pm

finished evangelion, kind of ass if im tbh uhmmmm. i think i grew out of anime when i turned like 13, and the entire 'moral of the story' for evangelion is like, tailored towards teenage boys who have only just begun to develop emotional introspection, and empathy for their peers. (the whole, 'haha shinji is so me' schtick makes me cringe - why do you find the 14 year old relatable, youre an adult, go outside and talk to real people lol)

but besides the weak character development, its also incredibly boring to watch. i dont care for fight scenes, so i didnt want more of them (felt like there was too much already...) but the throttling between happy-go-lucky slice of life and child warfare wasnt really hitting the mark. pick a tone brother... pick a tone and stick with it... youre not good at contrasting these two environments. blah blah blah juice youre a hater you just dont get it you just dont understand. maybe! i think most of my gripes are only because of the small budget, which could really be felt in the final episodes (boring as shit, by the way) but the reuse of scenes got way too much for me and it felt like the same five things being said over and over again

doctor!!! the thingamy in the bob!!!!!! its gonna blowww!!!!!!!!!!

yes..... just as was foretold in the dead sea scrolls (? hello ? please explain ?)

the spear of whatsyitis... rei you have to use the spear to kill the angel and its.... its like biblical or whatever...

[asuka verbally abusing shinji again so you really get a good sense of how miserable the fucker is]

i would whinge about the pointless christian imagery more if i wasnt about to paint my nails and go to bed, but god damn, its cringe brother. your meaningless symbolism doesnt make your plot any deeper than a puddle just because you tossed a bunch of pretty glitter in it.

30/06/2025, 1:28pm

no work today... im too gross to subject other people to that in close quarters. started watching evangelion too, mostly only because i keep getting edits on my instagram and going 'okayyyy... kind of fire.......' i like misato, she's just like me fr.

29/06/2025, 7:34pm

snivel. all of my muscles hurt. but anyway new font :P

29/06/2025, 4:46pm

guess who has a coldddd (me!)

i never get sick and i hate it so much when it does happen. the insides of my ears are itchy, my throat hurts, i have a headache and im too cold and too hot at the same time. and all food is gross so i dont want to eat anything :/ i might take monday off, but i dont want my boss to think im bludging even though we are not at all busy rn. gah.

28/06/2025, 2:58pm

28/06/2025, 2:38pm

you people really cannot do anything can you lol. zero days without being told my medical condition contributes to patriarchy by (checks notes)... refusing to fold to hundreds of years of denied reproductive health knowledge because looking, behaving like, and being a man would be easier and more feminist somehow. be a doll why dont you, and live the rest of your life in denial that patriarchy has made you ill. do not be disruptive. do not be difficult. do not be abrasive. do not be a woman.

Libfems want to distance themselves from womanhood so much that they become men and refuse to acknowledge that to men, we will never be their equals, no matter how much we pretend we are identical. the chad radfem however, acknowledges the suffering of being a woman which is thrust upon us by patriarchy and capitalism, and we do not want to continue the doom spiral which men have tumbled us into

You want to be him, I want to kill him, we are not alike. I do not want his approval. death before dishonour!!!!!!!!

i refuse to be ashamed of my brain's biological reaction to my own hormones. i am going to keep being a bitch, and a bad feminist, i dont care if it makes you look 'bad' because you cannot abandon your patriarchal obsession with perfection.

26/06/2025, 10:42pm

coming to you live from: laptop that isnt mine, has mcafee installed, and has an incredibly odd keyboard which makes one feel dyslexic.

apologies in advance for any odd typos. this one is really throwing me off. yesterday was incredibly odd. i had far too many beers, vandalised a variety of properties, and then sat down to sob disgustingly loud on the kerb. i dont really want to divulge what i was crying over, but take an educated guess, and youre probably half right at least. usually, people tend to ignore me when im gross crying in public. i dont know what does it, the headphones, or the gross crying itself. but yesterday, not one, but two people approached me to ask what was wrong; which is a rough question to parse when youre two parts to the wind and reallty want nothing more than to savage your skin with a gross razorblade which you ordinarily use to thin your eyebrows. hellooooo staph infection.

i buckled after kind stranger number two, because im an attention-whore first and foremost. her name is rebecca, and she told me she'd rasther i cry on her porch than on the side of the road, because im sure the guilt of hearing about me on breakfast news having been kidnapped wouldve been a bit awkward. and i obliged, because i wanted to be left alone, and if that meant being spied on through a ring doorbell then oh well, i guess thats better than having her stand out in the cold while i refused to talk to her. i think i was mostly scared she'd try and call an ambulance on me or something, which was really why i folded.

so i sat there for about all of five minutes, was then swiftly overcome with the kind of clarity only a drunkard could experience (borderline religious in nature), felt so much shame that i wrote on the back of a slap that i felt terrible for upsetting her, and that i was alright, and disappeared into the night. i slid it under her front door and promptly went home to slice the shit out of myself and have as many menthols as i could until i actually began to feel somewhat guilty.

i cant imagine how fucking weird it must have been (and still probably is), to collect some vagrant young woman off the road, and to end up with only a sticker with a stupid note on the back to remember her by. and it says something like: 'im sorry i startled you, thank you for being kind to me. i am okay.' (and you dont believe that, obviously, you arent stupid.) and upon turning the sticker over, you see a topless woman with a big glass of beer that says 'the world is ending! come and drink beer!'

makes the note veryyyy beliveable doesnt it.
rebecca, i appreciate your empathy, but sometimes id rather be kidnapped than deal with the shame of being seen as a pathetic, disgusting urchin who needs helping and protecting. but i do guess that is what i am, really. im fucking stupid, fucking ignorant, and fucking weird. no one in their right mind gets so drunk and goes to cry on the street unless they want attention. no one does that publicly because they want to be left alone. really what i am is a stupid lying bitch but whatever.

i painted my nails again today, always red because its lucky. maybe none of it will happen to me a third time if i am lucky and maybe i will get to be normal and happy and a proper girl rather than some gross weirdo who cant cope through anything but alcohol. hashtag i hate myselffffffffff. i wish i was smart, i wish i was pretty, and i wish i was happy. all of these things are eternally out of reach to me im pretty damn sure. goodnight.

24/06/2025, 8:26pm

no shit there's no studies, it isnt profitable, silly. blehhh :P

men will tell you to get a hysterectomy before acknowledging this simple fact. take antihistamines. i stopped taking doctor's words as gospel when my surgeon called me stupid for saying my sudden chronic headaches were caused by my wisdom teeth (surprise, they were! because they were irriating my mandibular nerve! they stopped once he took them out!) in other words, i cant remember if i've said this in here before, but anything you tell me i will belive entirely because there is nothing worse than the gut-punch of not being believed when you know something to be true.

24/06/2025, 7:56pm

she was forced to do her performance reviewwwwwww

it was rough man, in a socially awkward way. i like to think that i've come a long way in terms of not being scared of people, or scared of pushing back against things that i'm not happy with, but man [horse standing on beach, looking off into the horizon image goes here]

my manager is so eager about selling herself for the below inflation 'raise' i know damn well we all get, and has made it very obvious that she also wants me to bend over backwards, jacking myself off for a crumb more money. i dont know how to explain to her that i do not want more money without sounding so insanely juvenile and privilleged, which i am, but i know that there are people who make half as much as i do, and are happier than i am.

my point being, that breaking into the next tax bracket would not make me happier, especially if it meant that i needed to babysit even more people and end up crushed like street pizza under the weight of that fake responsibility. i. do. not. care. i have never cared, not since i was maybe 5 and wanted to be an astronaut.

because damn it girl no fucking kid aspires to be [insert fake email job title here]. and it pisses me off beyond belief when she sits there and dogs on people who pursue art. just admit you have no hobbies and no skills because you wasted your entire young adulthood 'climbing the corporate ladder' and marrying a man who calls you a bitch just to have his child so that your parents are pleased with you.

while you were snoozing, i was studying the blade (lots of alcohol, playing and having fun, making art; party like its the end of the worlddddd).

in other news, new slaps from backyard prints ft. onnie o'leary and damp land

23/06/2025, 8:50pm

i forget i can put pictures in here lol. here's some fun slaps put up recently, the artists i know are onnie o'leary, damp land, bonk, and knife voices, and yours truly :3

22/06/2025, 7:15pm

oh and im also really unhappy about having to fight for my life in my fucking performance review at work (preparing to defend my lack of desire to go to university, or to do any sort of training, or to climb the corporate ladder at all). leave me alone man.

22/06/2025, 7:14pm

got a prescription for a new antihistamineeee, so im hoping it'll nuke whatever allergic reaction im having to my own body better than an H1 will. and then simultaneously i think ill try and wean myself off sertraline (i technically took my last miniscule dose of it yesterday so ill try skip it tonight and see what happens). and not to play doctor or anything (silly woman) but i think anti histamines should be first port of call for PMDD treatment... like sure, was it potentially triggered by abuse? yeah maybe, but its still responding as if it were some sort of mast cell activation disorder at the same time. and because its not purely psychological, but literally like relating to the way my brain reacts to my own hormones, i cant mind over matter my way out of it. and sertraline did work almost immediately when i started taking it, so i do think it is a 'true' PMDD, unlike what the mods of the subreddit would like to have you believe...

coming out of that place after even just suggesting that people should try antihistamines, banned, bruised, and bloody. me when i refuse to acknowledge that a lot of womens health issues are so interconnected, because surely we're just insane and hysterical, no it cant be anything more than that like a whole of body allergic reaction for half of every single month of your entire adult life. that would be weird and unheard of. lol.

but yeah i shoudlve trusted my instinct post internal bleeding saga when i really was wanting to try an H2 for my GI isuses. its all connected isnt it buddy.

10/06/2025, 6:19pm

anyway. still feeling incredibly apocalyptic, like theres a guy standing behind me with a gun right against the base of my skull all the time. my therapist is still not responding to my texts which is a little annoying. im not dissociated enough to cut myself on the daily anymore, so now im just relying on getting drunk enough to instead. it feels like there is so little use in being such an angry person in the little bubble i am living in, so im just practicing my gallows humour instead (hint: people with young children do not like to talk about brain plastic or nuclear holocaust, which is a shame, because youre gonna be livin' it baby!)

10/06/2025, 5:55pm

there is something so decidedly fascinating about having been raised in a liberal party voting household, slowly infected by united states conservatism and coming out the other side absolutely covered in blood. and especially lately ive been feeling like a taut rubberband, released with enough kinetic energy to strike my mother right in the eye, rendering her blind, if im so lucky; if the rich and the right hadnt done such a good job at that for me already.

if youre from the uk, youll likely know about 'the spectator.' i belive they also have a us branch, but i dont particularly care enough to check. their australian articles throttle me back to my 2016 politigram youth, the golden age of the libtard cringe compilation, of the blue-haired feminazi and of communism is when the government does more stuff!!11!!!1!

i thank god for the women (barely teenagers at the time...) around me who did not think me evil for being so genuinely and utterly brainwashed, and who had the good grace to give empathy to that idiot girl who was so angry at the world and so angry at myself that i so desperately searched for, and clung to, anything that would tell me i was right. that everyone else was the fool. that i knew best.

in feeding those articles into archive.is i found that angry girl again, angry that these people were stuck in their own mirror palace of such genuinely mind boggling stupidity. angry that they could not see the world as i saw it - the pseudo-intellectual waffle, the birthplace of the humble 'virtue signal,' the balls to the wall genuine retardation of thought. do you not dire of chewing this same cud, regurgitated directly onto your tongue by mister marshall to make you do nothing much else but hate?

its genuinely like watching a dementia patient walk in circles over and over again. tired talking points of the true blue fag and dyke hating the diabolical tranny, the dire lack of carbon dioxide in the air which is starving our forests to death! greta thunberg! greta thunberg! idiot girl! sit back and let the men do the talking! they scold.

i wake up every day in my mother's home and know how what she reads tells her that only now, am i political, when before i had been purely rational.

i see now that she reads of calhoun's behavioural sink and sees me as the deviant rat who engages in homosexuality and (perhaps in secret, as i smoke and drink terribly much) cannibalism and that i do these things and that i am the way that i am because of the great conspiracy of a walkable city, or cultural marxism or what have you. 'aha!' i cry, tipping my chin up and grinning, 'i did not even need to get my degree in underwater basket weaving from a communist university to learn to empathise with my fellow woman!'

i am educated in matters of the heart, which is what i have come to conclude is sorely missing from those still stuck in the hedge maze of the fascist right. a juvenile conclusion, but mine nonetheless. it is entirely possible to become clever where one was once stupid (i have done it, it is not too terribly difficult) so long as humility is not lost on her. love thy neighbour, fag, dyke and tranny, and let them teach you about the real world beyond your angry, frightened pasture. it is not worth trying to teach parents like ours kindness, they refuse it like children do cod liver oil.

01/06/2025, 4:40pm

pinch and a punch for the first day of the month (no returns :P)

just ordered some more stickerssss. its so rewarding to put my girls all over the place and to think that they annoy people enough that they're motivated to buff them lol. why move here - basically the graffiti capital of sydney - if you're going to get wound up over streetart. ive taken it upon me to try and bring it further into the new apartment development area... unhappy about the fact that things are becoming so boring to look at...

18/05/2025, 2:34pm

its really cold today and i woke up really late so i feel bad for wasting the day :/ dont feel good tbhhhh. and its like not imposter syndrome because that implies some level of un-truth in my own internal observations (impossible, i have to live in my head, im prettyyyy good at knowing whats going on with her) anyway yeah i hate myself and everything i make lolll. its not pmdd either because ive basically fixed thatwith crazy amounts of alcohol and whatever but oh boy beers arent fixing the self loathinggggggggg. and its so much effort to pretend like i like myself its easier just to play into it like 'haha yeah im ugly and stupid lol look at me big stupid ugly idiot over here haha go on say something clever, i wont understand it because im stupid, and then you can laugh at me to make yourselves feel better!'

anyway again i have to stop myself from downloading hinge because i always do for the validation but i hate all of those people. oh boy did anyone else get called ugly as a kid one too many times and now when people are apparently attracted to you it makes you want to knee them in the gut because how come now lol you dont like me get away from me. im going to go and buy a beer byeeee i wish i was not a girl.

actually additionally i keep thinking about when my therapist would try and get me to feel empathetic towards child me and i would just have to keep telling her 'i dont like her. i wish she wasnt so stupid. i wish she wasnt so useless and weird and strange,' and she just like would not know how to respond to that. like okay would you rather i lie????? ohhh i loveeeee herrrrrr i missss herrrrrrr girl if i could go back in time and strangle her with my bare hands i would the useless cunt did absolutely nothing thats benefited me in any way.

11/05/2025, 12:40pm

anyway dont look at that, look at this!!! up here!!!!! look here!!!!!!! today im drinking my new sheng cake, its farmerleaf's 2021 autumn jingmai. its a bit old in terms of sheng for me, i prefer them still super fresh and acidic, but this is certainly not a bad tea. super jammy mouthfeel and a round sort of floral bitterness. sweet, but i find that contrast easier to pick out and more enjoyable with a younger spring sheng. this does indeed taste like autumn.

11/05/2025, 12:28pm

every single day i get closer to thinking im just a lesbian but i also have this condition called internalised misogyny which means i still crave validation from men even though i have only found one (1) attractive in the past literally like 15 years - and to me that doesnt count because its a weird power imbalance situation going on and i think im subconsciously just grappling for financial security because everyone i know is pissing into the wind, and i also know nothing about him! i think its best it stays that way lest he piss me off! anyway. imagine getting to call a lady your wife. hoo boy. imagine brushing your wife's hair. hoooo boyyy. nsfw. graphic and lewd. and im the boy and she's the girl btw because she's prettier than me, and she can hit me with her car if i annoy her.

10/05/2025, 1:43pm

scratch my bellayyyyy. labrador came up to me on the street and fell over and i had to oblige.

09/05/2025, 4:00pm

and girl, if the humanities are dead then call me a necrophile the way im elbow deep in that fucking thing

09/05/2025, 4:00pm

my manager let me come home from work early today because we submitted a tender :). i did a loop of my suburb and checked on some of my slaps and found several scratched off lol. i get them printed locally on eggshell 'paper,' which for the layperson means that because the glue is stronger than the sticker itself, any traditional attempts at peeling it back off a surface lead to frustrating (for the buffer) chipping of the offending graffiti.

i put up stickers saying a variety of milquetoast personal activism things like 'fuck ai, draw,' 'consumerism kills,' and a funny one about plastic in our organs that reminds me of dr bronners soap bottle labels (too much writing, not enough space... like a tiny anti plastic manifesto). is it malicious to put those ones around schools? because i do. i cant imagine bringing a child onto this floating garbage patch of a planet. it is incredibly unfair to them, and to the earth.

anyway! the anti ai ones get buffed the most, i should keep a tally, which is unsurprising; i suspect a fair few people who live in sydney work in tech and have sensitive egos about their inability to make art (written, drawn, or otherwise). hell hath no fury like a techbro scorned. but what i find more interesting is when my anti consumerism stickers are 'destroyed.' maybe im so pig-headed and tunnel vision blind that i just havent heard of this new, beneficial consumerism which actually saves lives, and brings net good to the world and maybe pets puppies and kittens on its way into our hearts. stop buying crap. please. stop buying crap. stop using chatgpt. stop using plastic as much as you can.

i have not known an earth without so much crap and i will take it out on everyone because i live here as much as you do too and i love her more than all the money in the world. i wish hopelessly for anthropocene strata free of bakelite.

08/05/2025, 5:45pm

guess who woke up late for work again. so busy today. i cant believe ive been doing this for like three years, kind of miserable to think about, but i try to enjoy the company of the people more than anything; theyre probably all tired and unhappy too. they dont all hate me either which is nice, but i sitll cant shake that weird pervasive 'everyone thinks im weird and stupid' feeling that has clung to me like a bad smell since like primary school. but thats my own fault for not working on my self esteem ever. im kind of cool, idk. i just still dont know how to talk to people properly.

i keep getting tradcath instagram reels too which are really weird and sad - its so obvioius that these people are hurt and want to blame others for 'tempting' them into making bad choices. it really upsets me when people dont take responsibility for their own actions or when they bnehave like their faculties are not entirely their own to conrtol. not enough love in these people, i wish they would quit being so pessimistic and antagonistic - actively seeking to destroy community because they want everyone to be sinless and impossibly perfect. antithetical to being human and to being christian. but what do i know lol im just some fake protestant or whatever. i might work on nutting out a 'now' page now (lol), i dont know what id put on there really though because ive basically been in limbo for the past five years. doing: my job. reading: contract documents. eating: the same lunch i always have. playing: eso and/or bocw. okay bye :) radically love thy neighbour.

oh and i had more mohei today and im getting down to the dregs of the cake and its really making me sad but im excited to bust open my new cake of autumn lao man e i hope its yum (i bought it because it was the cheapest and i need to stop buying so much tea)

07/05/2025, 8:20pm

today i woke up late for work, forgot to bring my mug with me, and had to use a work mug... but on the bright side i found a tea 'berry' (more a seed pod, botanically, i think?). I was drinking farmerleaf's spring 2024 mohei which was grown on a 40 year old reclaimed tea garden! its my favourite puer and im sad its sold out :( im also unhappy because work is so busy i keep wanting to snap at my manager even though 90% of things that go wrong are my fault. anywho, i am going to go and make myself dinner :)